Rosh Hashanah Commentary 5783/2022

I guess I can describe it as brain fog. I am not sure whether it is linked to having had Covid, being exhausted in our third year of a pandemic, no longer being motivated by stress (a goal from the shmita year!), but I am finding it hard to sit and write. My books are strewn all around me for inspiration, many are Jewish in nature, many about the high holidays, many books of poetry, many of my favourite titles providing nearby comfort. I look over and see Alan Lew’s book about the Days of Awe/ High Holiday peroid called “This is Real and You Are Completely Unprepared.” No shit, Alan. I really do feel unprepared this time.

So let’s start here: we are tired. Our brains may feel foggy, our bodies weary. We are collectively if not individually in a permanent state of recovery from the stressors of our lives and the world. If you are feeling like it is a real task to get here to a service, even online and in your “soft pants”; if you are feeling like you are not able to take on some of the spiritual and relational commitments the High Holidays demand; if you are feeling like you want to get off the wheel of continual self-improvement, this High Holiday commentary is for you.


Normally I try to inspire and help people grow through these commentaries. I want us all to use Judaism to enrich our lives, and its social justice teachings to enrich the world. I want that very much. But, oy vey, we are tired. And I think this year the way we need to grow is to learn to stop with all this growth. Like with capitalist economies, constant growth is unsustainable. We have a billion metrics for growth – we count steps when we take a walk, we track our sleep, we may have metrics at work for productivity, we work to close rings on Apple watches, we strive and strive. This year, let’s aim for less striving and more thriving. I say we grow by ceasing to focus on growth. Less doing, more being. Here’s what I mean:

In Lew’s book he argues that the High Holiday period, the Days of Awe, is meant to break us open to let us connect with a higher power. I feel we are arriving here after our Elul journey, the month before Rosh Hashanah, after these challenging few years, already broken open. Some just feeling broken. Some feeling ready to be open. The upside of pain and loss is a kind of vulnerability that makes us open to joy and love. We are wired that way. So this year, just this one year, let’s skip the hard stuff. What higher power should we open to? I’m going to call it something like the biblical “still, small voice.” But it’s in us. What is calling to you? I hope we open ourselves to the higher parts of ourselves, and our most sacred values: community, caretaking, and compassion.

Here I’ll refer to some of Lew’s chapter headings, even as I respectfully disagree with his premise. This is real. And we are so frickin’ prepared. In Secular Synagogue anyway, I see us fostering real and genuine community, across oceans and time zones. I see us doing so much caretaking -- of ourselves, our loved ones, our community members, our earth. And I see us living lives of compassion. We are imperfect. But I see us walking the walk and, to me, that is our whole “why” here.

Lew has a chapter called “Everywhere he went, he was heading for home: Teshuvah.” Teshuvah means turning and also repentance. We note that each year when we meet the new year the rituals and symbols are the same but we are a little different. It is about coming home – to self, to those who care about, to a relationship with Judaism, community, earth, and our values. We may have been doing some teshuvah work over Elul. But in a Shabbat live recently I cautioned that teshuvah can be more about boundaries than forgiveness. This year instead of seeking to forgive others who do not deserve our forgiveness, let’s instead lay loving, joyful, self-affirming boundaries with others. And when it’s hard, let’s forgive ourselves. That doesn’t mean we avoid hard conversations or difficult relationships. It means we are intentional about when they are worthwhile and we show up as our best selves when we choose them.

Lew describes “waking up” with the Shofar blasts during Elul. Feeling alive, present, and grounded. This time of year is about new possibilities, which can sometimes spur us on to set goals, strive for being and doing something we might elusively call “more.” At one of our recent Elul gatherings folks spoke about how hard it feels right now to set goals. I am usually a happy and avid goal setter, especially at this time of year. But it has been a struggle. So this year, let’s let that Shofar blasts awaken us to the goodness, power, and beauty we already are. What if we say to ourselves, “I am doing enough. I am enough.” We don’t need big goals (or maybe taking the pressure off will help us find manageable goals aligned with our values and where we’re at right now). We do, however, need big appreciation. It’s a moment to take stock of who and what we already are and do. I bet the you of 5, 10, 35 years ago would be so jazzed to see who you are now and all you’ve done. Let’s bask in it.

Lew goes on to talk about the image of the opening gate. How we can walk through these Days of Awe feeling transformed. Yes. Let’s feel and find that. Yes. But instead of putting a ton of pressure on the process, let’s trust. The metaphorical gates to somewhere wonderful will open. We will walk through in our own time. Let’s not rush. Let’s not strive. Let’s be.

A few years ago I spoke to this lovely community about the seemingly backwards advice: “don’t just do something, sit there!”

If the Shmita/sabbatical year has taught us about rest and ease, and I hope it has, it has likely taught us that sometimes when we rush to repair a rupture in a relationship, when we rush to meet a work or school goal, when we rush towards any area of personal development, when we rush to build something beautiful, the results are often sloppy, misguided, incomplete, or unsustainable. Sometimes the best course of action is to do nothing. Yes, we want to solve the climate crisis. It might not be about doing more, it might be about consuming less. Yes, we want to make amends with someone. It might not be about pursuing reconciliation, especially if we are still angry or anxious about it. It might be about backing away and taking space. Yes, we want to accomplish things that will make us feel proud of ourselves. It might not be about making a giant to-do list we can never complete. It might be about being fully rested and able to take on manageable chunks.

This year, let’s build and grow from a solid and deliberate place. Let’s be gentle and careful with our words and thoughts. Let’s be generous and kind where we can, but careful not to overextend. Let’s unite our own well-being, mentally, physically, and spiritually, with the well-being of our communities and our earth. More on that at Yom Kippur coming in 10 days.

Between now and then, let’s remind ourselves not to jump from a Shmita/sabbatical year of rest and release headlong into a year of busy-ness and stress. Like Havdallah is a bridge between the beauty and rest of Shabbat and the demands of the work week, let this 10 day period, the Days of Awe, be about how we retain the wisdom of Shmita in any year. This year. We grow in, we grow out. We circle and spiral back around. Teshuvah, the process of turning and re-turning, coming back to self, to home, is hard. All that turning can make us dizzy. Let’s engage the work rooted, on solid footing. Trust that you will come back to self. In fact, we are always already with self, at home. If we listen to that still, small voice inside, what is it asking for? This year, let’s give it what it needs.

 

Be by yourself and get quiet; Be in community and get loud

If you're like me, and I bet you are, the events of the world are taking their toll on you. I have spent the past few days feeling generally unwell. Not sick enough to feel like I need to medicate or particularly treat anything, but not well enough to work and show up the way I like. You could say I'm experiencing a form of "dis-ease."

A few months ago I saw this tweet and found myself howling with laughter. In case you don't get the joke, it refers to the book The Body Keeps the Score, about how our body hangs onto trauma. Yep, it's in my body. It's in yours too. And the past couple of years have left their mark on all of us. It's why the tweet is so funny -- if only we could just ask our bodies to release some of this stuff without doing all the work that release demands (therapy, bodywork, breathwork, and community work -- more on that below).

We are in a shmita/ sabbatical year. The literal meaning of shmita is "release," (as in, release debts). I have been trying to take the lessons of shmita seriously - work less, rest more, release what needs releasing.

One of the things bugging me in my body lately is some sharp foot pain. I have been doing a thing called "dry needling" which some friends swear by and which is, yes, under-evaluated from a scientific perspective. It's like acupuncture but way more painful :) This week when I was getting stabbed in the foot, I cried a little. Was it pain? Was it something emotional being released? Yes. Yes.

Why am I sharing this? A lot of people who are like me Jewishly and politically -- secular/cultural, belief in science, belief in the here and now -- might be wary of things like "trauma in the body" and unproven acupuncture techniques. Is the placebo effect real? Sure is (and I'd love to get me some of that for my foot, please). Can trauma be measured? Nope. But the mind/body connection is often undervalued in our Jewish spaces and it doesn't matter whether we believe in it, the body demands to be heard.

I recently attended the Embodied Social Justice Summit, where people gather to speak about communal responses to trauma. Our pain is not just individual pain, but collective pain. Self-care can only take us so far. It can't help us through intergenerational trauma, systemic racism/sexism/homophobia/antisemtiism, structural inequality, a gig economy that forces us to work until we are (and when we are!) sick etc etc etc. We need communal solutions to these problems.

In Judaism, we have a lot of wisdom to draw on to meet our challenges and the challenges of the world. Things like shmita, or Shabbat - reminders to slow down. Things like the need for a group of 10 in order to pray (minyan), a group to mourn with (shiva), community to do social justice work with (tzedakah/ tikkun olam), and beyond.

I shared with the Secular Synagogue community Friday that I wasn't well and got a flood of caring messages which really served to buoy my spirit. I sometimes worry as a leader that I am letting people down if I can't do my usual work. But I am starting to learn that the opposite may be true: some of the best things I can do to be a good leader is to model rest and slowing down. Some of the best things we can do for ourselves as well as each other is to show up for each other, even in small ways like messages of caring. I'm still not feeling well, but having a team helps me feel better -- about my own current state of unwellness and the overall unwellness all around us now (pandemic, war, greed, hate, etc etc etc).

I am thinking of how we explode the supposed divisions between body and mind, between self-care and community-care, and between self/other, me/you. It's all connected; we are all connected.

After that dry needling when I cried a little, I happened to run into a friend, a Kohenet, who asked me how I was doing. Again, I cried a little.

There is so much needing release. There is so much in our body. There is so much need for connection with each other.

I have no particular wisdom or answers about Ukraine, or how we move ahead equitably in Covid, or how we tackle climate change, or how we make people understand the hate and harm behind "don't say gay" laws, etc etc etc. I feel like I'm usually good with words but right now I'm fairly speechless. Maybe you're feeling the same way? So I have two invitations for you/us that are seemingly in contradiction, but I believe are both necessary and mutually supporting:

1) Be by yourself and get quiet. We are needing to let our bodies tell us what they need. Where does it hurt? What needs release? How? For me, movement, yoga, and nature are how I foster that release. What is it for you?

2) Be in community and get loud. It is the mission of Secular Synagogue that we foster "two-directional goodness" via Judaism; Judaism helps enrich our lives so that we can better the world. We need to foster our own well-being so that we can promote collective well-being. The problems I mention above can't be solved individually. I can't recycle my way out of climate change or isolate my way out of a pandemic. We need to work together and show up for each other meaningfully.

Wishing all of us wellness and wholeness ❤️

Reflection on High Holidays during Covid

There is no question the High Holidays this year were unique! Secular Synagogue is always online, so our services did not have to shift from in person to the digital space. But because we are all living in a pandemic, the idea of coming together in community was even more special and urgent-feeling than usual. It was so beautiful to see the faces of sixty-plus people who decided to join in our services. We came from Brazil, Scotland, Germany, and all over Canada and the United States. We joined in song and reflection. We committed ourselves to our values.

On Rosh Hashanah I spoke about the Power of Presence, drawing on the story of the Binding of Isaac. You can check out the commentary and the poem I wrote here:

For Yom Kippur I spoke about Belief, Behaviour, and Belonging, and I asked people to share some of their deepest-held beliefs. I was moved to tears at the beautiful and hopeful beliefs we share. Here is what they said:

We cannot be free until all of us are free.

We should save our planet. Now.

I believe small deeds matter.

Family is so important

Creativity heals

There are no absolutes

The personal is political.

We have an obligation to try to make the world better

All people are equal

We have inherent worth and dignity

Black Lives Matter

Diversity and inclusion for everyone

Love will win

I believe that it is up to us as individuals to change the world for the better and not government

Black and Indigenous lives matter

Equality and acceptance

Pro-choice

Every Voice matters

Racial equity

Count everyone because everyone counts

We all have our own truths

Secular humanism leads to inclusivity.

Change begins at the individual level, never doubt your impact

There is so much goodness in the world.

Women's rights are human rights

Kindness is essential to the survival of humanity

Equity. Reparations.

Science in the service of humanity

I truly believe in my students.

Humans are inherently good

Mni Wiconi Water is life

I believe that small acts of goodness create more goodness. I believe that the mitzva system we have in Jewish live possesses collective superpower

People often ask me how we can have a “secular synagogue,” and I think these beliefs and values articulate it better than I ever could. We are a community of believers who seek to use Judaism to improve our lives so that we can, in turn, improve the world. How powerful.

I hope you had a powerful High Holiday period! Wishing everyone a meaningful 5781!

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I decided to embrace the fact that, for the first time ever, I had nowhere I had to physically be, and I took myself to a beautiful inn beside some incredible nature to foster my own sense of spiritual nourishment. Don’t worry - I got dressed for th…

I decided to embrace the fact that, for the first time ever, I had nowhere I had to physically be, and I took myself to a beautiful inn beside some incredible nature to foster my own sense of spiritual nourishment. Don’t worry - I got dressed for the Secular Synagogue services!

Gearing up for the High Holidays -- freebies for kids and adults!

The Secular Synagogue team has been so busy and hard at work getting High Holidays ready! I am super excited about our offerings! Here’s what we’ve got going on:

✔️ Rosh Hashanah service Saturday September 19th at 2:00 pm ET

✔️ Yom Kippur service Monday September 28th at 10: 00 am ET

✔️ A gorgeous High Holiday At-Home Guide to help you with the rituals of tashlich (casting away), Rosh Hashanah seders, walk and talks you can have on Jewish wisdom, reflection and renewal prompts and more!

✔️ A gathering to welcome to the new moon/new month Friday September 18th at 12:00 ET

✔️ A rabbi and a global community who care you’re with us and wants to get to know you

If you want to join us for our High Holidays you can sign up here!

If you want to join us as a member, we open doors Friday September 4th but if you’re real keen, here’s the super secret link!

Still on the fence? No worries…. here is our free Get Clear on Your Jewish Year Guide — so chock full of awesomeness to get you ready for a great year.

And here is our High Holiday Kids Activity Pack! Keep the little ones busy long enough for your reflection, repentance, and renewal.

Wishing you a joyful and meaningful High Holiday period!

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Poetry and/as prayer

 I don’t consider myself someone who prays. The language of prayer never did much for me with its patriarchy and relentless repeating of praising a God in whom/which I did not believe. But ever since I was a child, I always valued poetry. 

Poetry ticks a lot of the boxes for me that prayer ticks for others. I love the sacredness of special language in which each word is special and resonant. I love the rhythm and repetition. I love the imagery. I love the evocation of emotion. 

It’s nice that in the age of Instagram poetry is making a bit of a resurgence, with poets like Rupi Kaur creating a stir and causing many many youngsters to fall in love with the written (and spoken) word. 

There are some new-to-me poets I just love, and delight in having discovered recently (check out the poet Maya Stein who sends by email a new ten-line poem every Tuesday). 

And then there are the poets whose work I keep coming back to, again and again, always with a new resonance for the time and space we are in. Poets like Adrienne Rich, WB Yeats, Olive Senior, Raymond Carver, Mary Oliver. 

Many of you might know Mary Oliver, and many might know her famous poem “Wild Geese.” I returned to it recently and, oh, does it ever seem extra poignant given our current circumstances. 

It isn’t a prayer (or is it?) but it feels like one to me. And I’m grateful for these words and for my returning to them. I offer them to you, now: 

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.            

Mary Oliver

Wild Geese

Until next week,

Denise

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How To Do Jewish During A Pandemic

We are certainly in strange and difficult times. We are all adjusting (and then readjusting) to shifting realities. There is fear, anxiety, loneliness, and boredom. I hope there are also moments of joy, connection, hope, fulfillment, rest. For some of us (hi working parents!) we are figuring out how to juggle and fit everything in. For other,s we are figuring out how to meaningfully fill our time.

So here are some suggestions, broken into two categories: Busy Bees vs Hermit Crabs (you figure out which is more you):

Busy Bees: 

Slowwwww Downnnnn.

I am a busy bee so I know how hard this is. But it seems like we have no choice now but to stop for a while. Are there at-home projects you’ve been waiting to do? Are there people you can connect with by phone or online instead of your usual coffee dates? Can you make more time for rest, napping, writing, meditating, whatever will make you feel good and not like you are under house arrest? 

Hermit Crabs:

Don’t let this be an excuse to hermit your way through spring! If you are someone who often is alone, I’m going to suggest that you explore new ways to connect during this time. Find someone who will teach you how to use Facebook and jump into some great groups (see below). I’ll be leading coffee dates and other programs by Zoom. Zoom is an online platform that’s really easy to use from any computer or smart phone. If this is something that sounds intimidating to you, use this as an opportunity to get comfortable with new technologies. 

Everyone: 

Don’t forget to take care of yourselves and each other!

Remember Jewish teachings: Tradition, Torah, Tikkun Olam

Tradition: this might be a great time to build a Shabbat practice. I have been playing with tech Shabbats (no screens) and really liking it. Our newsfeeds are overwhelming these days. Take a break! Light some candles! Maybe bake a challah?

Torah: It doesn’t have to be literal Torah but think of Torah broadly as learning. Are there books you’d like to read? Explore museums that have virtual tours. Or peruse sites like My Jewish Learning and Jewish Live. There is so much we can do when we suddenly are at home with time on our hands. 

Tikkun Olam: Repairing the World

The people who will be hit hardest by Covid-19 are the already vulnerable and marginalized. People who are immunocompromised, the poor/homeless, those without adequate healthcare. Even consider all the kids relying on breakfast programs who may go hungry these next few weeks or months. As people are stockpiling toilet paper, don’t forget to give to food banks, check on your elderly neighbours, and look out for opportunities to practice good deeds (mitzvot). Consider offering to help folks with tasks like putting the garbage out (while maintaining social distancing). And continue to advocate for sound health and other policies while at home. 

Take care of yourselves! Eat healthy foods that will boost your immunity, get outside as you can (you can have social distance and go for a short walk or sit in a backyard/on a balcony), make sure you are connecting with others — by phone or online, and don’t forget to rest and sleep. Maybe we’ll emerge from this crisis a well-rested bunch! And, of course, wash your hands... all the time... 

If anyone is struggling, sad, or anxious, please reach out to me by email or phone. I’m around, like everyone else!

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Purim and the work of finding joy

In the Jewish month of Adar we are supposed to seek and find joy. This is connected to the holiday of Purim (which is today! Happy Purim!) — a topsy turvy carnival of mask-wearing and merry-making. The whole month is an opportunity to consider how we bring joy into our lives. 

Every month in the Secular Synagogue online community we have a monthly theme to focus on. This month’s theme is joy. One member (who is amazing at following the monthly theme!) planned several activities that would bring her joy: day trips, adventures, meeting with friends. And then she got quite sick. She was concerned about exposure to the Coronavirus and is trying to manage both the unpleasantness of feeling ill, pressure to both come in to and stay home from work, and the feeling of unease (so connected to dis-ease) that is the natural result of our global concern over all things germy right now. She had to cancel all of those joyful activities she had planned. 

Look, there is no getting around it. Sometimes life is not a picnic and it is hard to find joy. That is *exactly* when it is critical we find it. I asked this lovely person (and our whole group) to consider that the “work” of finding joy (anything worthwhile is work, even joy) is to find it even when things overall are not that joyous and great. I encouraged her to find a sense of joy in time to watch a film, snuggle with a blanket, the taste of tea, the sound of a loved one’s voice. I said that the real test of being able to find joy is to find it when it’s hard. 

In my book on Intermarriage the publisher chose the tag line “more joy, less oy” which was taken from the pages about how we have been told marriage/relationships, family discussions and disputes, life in general might or will be filled with tsouris (sorrow). But even difficult conversations and relationships can offer opportunities for joy. When I work with couples and families around intermarriage, if there is a tough decision to be made or conversation to be had I ask them: “how can we make this more fun? How can we bring more joy into it?” When people feel good they come to resolutions sooner. 

So, this month of Adar, how can we make life a little more fun? How can we let go of some “oy” and lean into some “joy”? Even when things are imperfect or difficult. Let’s work to find the fun this month!

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Unplug

It’s almost Mar 6-7 which is the Jewish organization Reboot’s “National Day of Unplugging.” You can download the pledge, access resource material, and even get some swag here:  https://www.nationaldayofunplugging.com/

The goal is to use Shabbat to remind ourselves that we can be the masters of our technology and not the other way around. Writer and filmmaker Tiffany Shlain wrote a book about how she did the day of unplugging once and now has a weekly screen-free Shabbat that, although she is pretty secular, she is religious about! https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/24-6/Tiffany-Shlain/9781982116866

I do this challenge every year and I really like it. One year I went to a yurt! Another year I was in the Caribbean! This year I will be at home and parenting alone. Will it be a challenge to avoid giving into the call of the Paw Patrol? It will. Will it be worth it? Almost certainly! 

A friend just read another book on cutting down the use of tech: https://www.calnewport.com/books/digital-minimalism/ and said it has changed her life. She started playing violin! She is taking Italian language lessons! She has read many, many books whereas before she felt she didn’t have time. And she said her anxiety has decreased substantially.

Do you run your tech or does your tech run you? What could you free up if you spent a little less time with your device? More time with people you care about? More projects? More fun? 

One of the Secular Synagogue members has been encouraging us all to get mindful about tech. He led a great workshop on it and out of that I created some rules for myself:

- No phones at the table, when I’m with friends, when I’m with my kids

- No screens the first or last 30 minutes of my day

- All app notifications off

- My phone is always set to silent

- No sleeping near my phone

Does it strike you as ironic or strange that my online community is spending a lot of time/energy thinking about going screen-free? Part of why I started Secular Synagogue is because I wanted my feed to be full of things that were actually inspiring and GOOD for me to see. I know social media can be the worst of the worst but it can also bring people together. The key is to take what you need and leave the rest. To be mindful and purposeful about usage. So, I say, use the screens for what you enjoy and then put them away. Especially on March 6-7.

I don’t always get it all perfect but I’ve been doing pretty well. How about you? What are your tech rules? And can you go a full 24 hours? Let me know! 

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How to avoid a lot of stupid bullshit this holiday season

I love the holidays! I really do! I realize the title of this blog post is a little Scroogey. So, for the record, I love the smell of latkes frying and pine trees in groves and homes. I love twinkling lights and menorah lights. I love all of it. But, let’s be real, there’s a lot of stupid bullshit this time of year. Some of the bullshit is out of our control. People will complain about the “war on Christmas.” Some member of the extended family will say something racist. Kids are going to be overtired and oversugared and behave like demons. There’s gonna be some bullshit. But some of the bullshit is under our control and we can do our very best to make our holiday bashes BS-free. So, here is your Secular Synagogue Guide to BS avoidance.

First, let’s separate BS into categories: people, places, and things. Some of these are inter-related but for the purposes of detecting and demolishing bullshit it’s helpful to create a sorting system.

People: Can you avoid the really harmful or toxic people? Does your awful Great Uncle really deserve the pity invite this year? If so, can you extend the pity invite along with some strict ground rules? Can you avoid the obligation-party filled with people you really don’t want to see and shmooze with? Maybe you can get “cough cough” oh so sick that day and then post a sad-looking selfie of you in PJs watching Netflix to prove how very “cough cough” sick you really are. Can you host or attend some events filled with people you really want to see? A “Friendsgiving” type of thing. Every year my friends get together for our very own Chrismukkah and it’s my fave. There’s family and there’s chosen family and you get to decide where you put your time and energy.

Places: Tied in with avoiding the people you don’t want to see is avoiding the places you really don’t want to go. Know where I definitely won’t be between now and February? A mall of any kind. Nope. Not going there. I am spending my money this holiday season supporting local businesses as much as possible (see below) and, when needed, doing some online shopping. I hate the crowds and panic of malls this time of year and I just don’t have to go there. Neither do you. I also don’t want to go to any of the following: photo sessions (Santa-related or otherwise), parades, or public large-scale events. Here’s where I do want to go: the good parties, outdoor skating rinks, my congregation’s events, and Mexico. This year I’m going to Mexico between Christmas and New Years (which is also most of Chanukah). Later, suckas! Just kidding. But you really do get to decide where you want to be.

Things: The very most holiday bullshit comes in the form of stuff. Oh, so much stuff. Y’all, we are drowning in stuff. I’m not talking about people in need here and, if that’s you, I hope you get a lot of great stuff this holiday season that really makes a difference for you. For many of us, though, we don’t really need more stuff. And, yet, this is a stuff-filled time of year. There are financial, ecological, and mental costs to this. Seriously, I think it’s bad for us mentally to feel too crowded by and too attached to things. So here are some ideas I’m using this year and also forever.

  • Upcycling: I’m attending swaps and getting used stuff when possible

  • Doing donations in lieu of presents. It feels so good to support agencies and causes I care about. Way better than more stuff!

  • Asking for experiences over things: art gallery/ museum memberships, tickets to concerts/ plays/ ballet/ opera, restaurant gift certificates, art/ cooking classes

  • Supporting local business. Local for me isn’t necessarily local for you but one local business close to my heart is Firefly Creative Writing, and they have monthly subscription packages by mail (anywhere in the world!) with writer prompts and writer self-care. A seriously great gift!

Speaking of subscriptions, I want to tell you the cutest gift-giving story ever. When I launched Secular Synagogue a woman (not Jewish, let’s call her C) got her partner (Jewish, let’s call him J) a membership as a gift. He loved it and knew that C would love it too! J knew that even though C isn’t Jewish, so much of what we talk about would resonate with her. So for Christmas he decided to get her a membership. But then, uh oh!, C got herself a membership. Hearing so much great stuff about the group, she wanted in herself. Christmas present ruined! So I happily refunded her membership, let J buy it as a present, and all was well in their Chrismukkah-loving house. The moral of the story? If you want to avoid bullshit people and places and things this season, you can join our community which is filled with the best people, which you connect to from the best place (your place), and which will not add one tiny bit of stuff to your house. I think a membership to a cool online Jewish community makes a completely amazing gift. Doors open Friday!

However you spend your holidays, I hope they are as bullshit-free as possible. Take good care of yourselves and take good care of your people. That’s the only thing that really matters this time of year!

Art by my kid. The best gift ever!

Art by my kid. The best gift ever!

Art  by my kid. The best gift ever!

Digital Shabbat

Sometimes there seems to be something going on with the cultural zeitgeist and I see a lot of the same type of messages or ideas floating around all at once. This may be due to social media algorithms that ensure that once you click on something you’re more likely to see similar posts. And that leads to a whole discussion about the “bubble” created by social media and the pros and cons of that. That discussion is connected to, but slightly outside of, what I want to speak about here.

In this case, the content isn’t simply algorithm-driven because I’ve seen similar ideas put out by people I follow regularly, and people who tend to write/post/talk about very different things. Ironically, I came to all of these posts/ideas in the digital space, and all of them are talking about the same thing: a digital Shabbat.

What is Shabbat? Shabbat, or sabbath, is the day of rest. For Jews, this has been a cornerstone of Jewish life, keeping a special and sacred time each week for renewal, for connecting with family and, more recently, for unplugging.

The internet and smartphone technology have utterly changed how we work and live. Once, we could leave work and really leave work. No one would call us on our landline unless there was something really urgent. Now we are always at work, for we carry it with us in our pocket. We are supposed to be always accessible to bosses, co-workers, and friends. Ironically, this constant connection has left us feeling very disconnected indeed. We seem to be sacrificing the quantity of posts, likes, messages, for the quality of real-time personal hangouts.

This month there has been a lot of discussion of all of these things. Tiffany Shlain, a filmmaker and “internet pioneer” came out with a book all about how she and her family observe a “digital Shabbat” - a screen-free 24 hours each week:

There was a great Judaism Unbound episode about it:

Around the same time, I read this great piece by Rebecca Sirbu, who I got to know from Rabbis Without Borders:

And almost at the same instance this video about “what matters” came across my desk from a tech writer friend.

What all of these people have in common is that their work is not only happening in the tech space, it is often about the tech space. These are not luddites who feel like technology is an encroachment on “real life.” These are people who know that real life and technology are now bound up together. And yet, and still, we need breaks.

I’ve been really interested in Judaism and the digital sphere lately. I started an online community called SecularSynagogue.com because I was sick of scrolling through my social media and being left empty. I want to fill that space with content and community that actually add joy and meaning to life. I’m also aware of the power of Jewish teachings, for example around Shabbat, and wanted to bring those to where people are at. And where people are at is their couch, scrolling through social media. In our group, one of our members led a talk this month on Digital Shabbat. You may think it’s ironic that our online community is talking about taking breaks from the online world. But it’s not! The goal is to figure out how we engage in a way that is healthy and happy-making.

For someone looking for a Shabbat “getting started” guide: On Friday night, light some candles, have a relaxed dinner, connect with family or friends, and unplug (literally and metaphorically). On Saturday plan some time for rest. Some people take the whole day to rest and some try to slot in some time. Don’t let this be another stressful thing to add to your list! Ask yourself: what do you need to feel rested this Shabbat?

I’ve been trying out digital Shabbats - trying to limit or forgo tech use one day a week (it isn’t always a Saturday). Sometimes I like it and sometimes it’s hard... I itch to check what’s going on with social media or email. I’ve also been working on limiting my tech usage in other ways: no tech 30 minutes before bed or first thing in the morning, keeping limits on what I use tech for after 7:00 pm (Netflix yes, work email no). I want to experiment with how I can be the master of my tech and not the other way around.

How about you? Do you do Digital Shabbat? How’s it working for you?

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Happy Rosh Hashanah!

We are here! 5780! I hope you are feeling the themes of the holiday: rebirth and renewal. I hope you are also feeling a little bit of responsibility — to make your life better, to make the world better. This is just the beginning of the period known as the “Days of Awe.” I want you to think of them as the Days of Awesome! Say sorry. Forgive. Look inward — what can you let go of? Who do you want to be this year? Look outward — what can you do to contribute? How can you be a changemaker this year? 

Last week many folks from both Oraynu and SecularSynagogue.com came out to the march for climate justice! What an awe-inspiring day! We stood together with thousands and thousands of people around the world to demand a better world. 

It’s fitting for this time of year. We need a better world. Each new year is an opportunity to consider how we will make it so.

I am spending today in the forest, doing tashlich. Tashlich is the practice of casting away. People tend to think of it as throwing away your “sins,” and that’s fine. But I prefer to translate (and this is kosher) “sin” as “missing the mark.” Where did you miss the mark last year? Cast it away; let it go. And make sure this year we get a little closer to that mark. 

You can look up readings (I use Marge Piercy or Marcia Falk poems) and other things to say and do but the most important is to get outside (with friends/family if possible), take a walk, and talk the talk about what you want to let go of and bring forward into the new year. Then you throw your sticks and rocks and leaves (note: breadcrumbs are traditional but not so good ecologically). Watch them float away. Ahhh... Rebirth. Renewal. Responsibility. 

You got this. 

Can’t wait to be with you through this year as we take our intentions from today and the Days of Awesome and make them so. 

Have a happy, healthy, sweet, and beautiful year!

Till next week,

Denise

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Children in Concentration Camps

This past week there was some tension in the Jewish community over whether it is appropriate to call U.S. detention centers housing migrants “concentration camps.” There were also horrific news articles about how children are being denied basics like toothbrushes, made to sleep on cold floors, and must represent themselves in court. We are talking about little children - the youngest of which is four months old.

I am ashamed that some in the Jewish community seem more outraged by the use of a term they feel belongs uniquely to the Jewish experience, than about innocent children being taken from their parents and tortured in these ways. 

What is a concentration camp? It is a small area in which innocent people are held without due process based on their ethnicity or country of origin. We have to use this term to describe what is happening because there has been too much complacency so far. Let’s start calling things what they are. Concentration camps. Torture. There are going to be round ups of migrants. The repetition of history is happening as we are watching. 

I serve many community members who are not in the U.S. But do we as Jews not hold countries besides Germany and Poland accountable for allowing the Holocaust to happen? Do we not wish there had been an international effort to stop it? We need to be that effort. “Never again” is right now. 

Here’s what I have done and I encourage you to join me:

- I wrote to my MP, to MP Freeland (who handles foreign affairs and diplomacy), and our Prime Minister asking them to use any possible diplomatic channels to ask for this to end. At the very least, these migrants — children! — deserve basic care and legal representation. 

- I have financially supported RAICES, the ACLU, and the Southern Poverty Law Center — all doing good work on the ground.

- I posted about this issue on my professional and personal social media, sounding the alarm and saying that as a Jew I am deeply concerned about where concentration camps and round ups are heading. I want everyone to act.

- I sent a message to my rabbinic colleagues in the Humanistic Jewish movement saying that after our summer meetings in Chicago (already booked), I will no longer travel to the United States. No more vacations or work travel there until this ends. It is time to vote with our dollars and our feet. I will not spend one more dollar in that country while children are being tortured. 

It feels like it is not enough but it is a start. Who’s with me? If you can’t do all of these things, what can you do? Let’s show the world that when Jews say “Never Again” we mean for all people. 

Denise

Shavuot and the Book of Ruth

This past Saturday evening my congregation once again participated in the JCC’s all night learning evening, the Tikkun Leil Shavuot. Shavuot became a holiday for learning, originally Torah study and more recently Jewish learning of all kinds, because early rabbis claimed that Shavuot was when the Torah was given at Mt. Sinai. Some believe it was given by God. Others believe it was given to Moses by God. Some believe it was divinely written. Some believe it was divinely inspired. We believe it was written by people for human needs. I take none of it literally, but I do find the stories in it to be instructive on the concerns of the day. 

The Book of Ruth is traditionally read at Shavuot, because it mentions the harvest and this holiday’s earliest roots, before stories of the giving of Torah, are agricultural. We plant at Passover and we harvest at Shavuot. 

If you have never read the Book of Ruth, it’s worth a look! It is really great storytelling about love between women, a sexual ruse, the practice of Levirate marriage and the chalitzah shoe ritual (google it!), and more. The best parts of the Book of Ruth are what they show us about intermarriage and conversion.

The story centres around Ruth who has married a Judean. Note, there is no mention of how this intermarriage was a problem. It seems from this text that intermarriage is fine (the Torah and the Talmud both contain conflicting messages about intermarriage, signalling that our forebears struggled with this issue over time. Some things never change). For intermarried folks, the Book of Ruth is a nice affirmation that marriages like ours were/are traditional in their way. 

Ruth’s husband dies and Naomi tells her to return to her people because she doesn’t have the means to take care of her. But Ruth famously says “wherever you go, I’ll go. Your people shall be my people and your God shall be my God.” Boom. Conversion. No lengthy learning program. No ritual. Just a decision to be Jewish and a commitment to be part of the people.

That’s how Secular Humanistic Jews see conversion too. If you are a Jew by Choice, you are welcome to take on a program of learning and a ritual to mark your becoming of a Jew, but you don’t have to. You can simply decide that you identify with the history, fate, and culture of the Jewish people. 

For us, the Book of Ruth resonates on issues of conversion and intermarriage. As I said, it is also a great read! If you haven’t read it, no need to wait for next year’s Shavuot. Here it is!   Enjoy! 

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The Wandering Jews

In the story of Exodus, after the Israelites fled Egypt they wandered in the desert for 40 years. I don’t understand this story to be true or literal but, imagine for a moment that it is, it’d be pretty hard to take that long to get from Egypt to Israel. I mean, they’re really not that far apart. The wandering is the point. The people had to figure out how to be a people. Had they arrived in the Promised Land quickly after escaping slavery, they wouldn’t have appreciated it and known how to be a functioning society within it.

You’ll often hear people say things like “it’s not the destination but the journey that counts.” That’s not usually how I live. I’m prone to rushing to get places. I have a tendency to be focused on the next thing and not the thing I’m currently experiencing. I am often pretty destination-focused.

Given that we are finally in a spring that took a long time to, well, spring, and that it’s good to get 10,000 steps a day, and that it’s hard to stay productive without breaks, I’ve been trying to go for more walks lately. Every May I do David Suzuki’s 30 x 30 challenge, getting outside for at least 30 minutes of every day for 30 days. The goal is to experience nature so that we’ll want to protect nature; to remind ourselves that are part of the eco-system. Many of my walks were to and from daycare/school for drop-off or pick-up, or to the store when we are out of bread. Places I had to get to anyway so I might as well walk. But some days, just recently, I started to just walk for the sake of walking. No destination in mind.

It really is different to wander around without a goal. It’s slower and more peaceful. One notices flowers and birdsong. One might even stop at a park bench to admire the sunset.

Jews are often called the wandering people because of our many histories of exile and placelessness. We are a dislocated people. Many Jews have often “wandered” from synagogue to synagogue, looking for an option that fits our values. In our community, we are lucky to be somewhat settled. Most of us are settled where we live, and are settled in a community that does fit with our personal ideologies and values. We have arrived, so to speak.

I propose for us a two-directional challenge: to be happy where we are and to wander aimlessly. There is room for both. Wherever you are, literally in this moment, what is there to appreciate? We all could benefit from a bit more mindful attention to where we are and what we’re doing. By the same token, give yourself permission to wander around without a destination. Enjoy the journey. See what there is to appreciate by moving from place to place without a goal in mind.

I have often said that until I found Secular Humanistic Judaism I was wandering and wondering what kind of Jew I’d be. Here’s the Jew I want to be: someone who is able to sit still, go for walks, be happy with where I am, continue my journey. And to do it in community with you.

Till next week,

Denise

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A couple of wild turkeys I spotted on a recent walk

Pro-choice

As you have no doubt heard, there have been serious limitations to abortion rights and access in several states south of the border. If you are like me, this fills you with rage and despair. Not only is this a clear expression of sexism and limiting choices, freedom, and the well-being and health for and of women, but it is also a serious sign of the blurring between church and state. After all, the main push for anti-abortion, anti-choice legislation is the religious right.

I care very much about ending sexism. I care very much about the separation between church and state. These are my values as a person who is informed and guided by the ethics of Humanistic Judaism. In our secular, cultural expression of Judaism, we make justice central, and we take seriously the idea that religion and tradition get a vote but never a veto over what we decide to be our ethics, morals, and values.

Many Jewish groups and organizations have statements supporting pro-choice policies. It is a bit of a no-brainer that our branch of Judaism, always concerned with gender justice from the beginning, has one. Here is the statement from the Society for Humanistic Judaism: http://www.shj.org/humanistic-jewish-life/issues-and-resolutions/choice/. Interestingly, I saw similar statements issued from many Jewish groups, even from the orthodox world. For example, the one from the Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance includes this: “JOFA’s position has consistently been that women and couples should consult their physicians and personal halakhic advisers in making decisions about abortion and reproductive health care without the involvement of the government. We support every woman’s legal right to make decisions about and have control over her own body.”

Of special note to Jews is the way that lawmakers and other anti-choice pundits and protestors liken abortion to the Holocaust. This is a serious appropriation of a history that harmed Jews, Queer folks, the Roma people, and many others. To use this history to limit the rights of women (who comprise at least half of world Jewry), is greatly offensive.

If you are interested in learning more about Judaism and abortion, this is a useful article: https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/abortion-in-jewish-thought/. Most of the Jewish world is in favour of pro-choice governmental policies, because we prize life above all else and, in this case, the life of the woman carrying the fetus is seen as the greater life to protect. There are many reasons for this, but one of them is that we know there is no way to stop abortion, only to stop legal and safe abortion, and that without access to legal and safe abortion many women will be harmed and killed.

I know we Canadians can sometimes feel immune from the effects of American politics, but we are very close neighbours indeed. Just as the Trump presidency has emboldened white supremacists, we see the same uptick in hate in Canada. Now that there is a push to overturn legal abortion in the US, we see Canadian politicians beginning to attend and hold rallies to do the same here. We need to be vigilant and make sure all politicians from all parties know that we will not stand for a rollback of rights for women.

As a Humanist, as Jew, as a feminist, and as a concerned citizen, I’m going to be out there being loud on this issue. I hope you’ll join me.

Till next week,

Denise

Nothing is promised

I teach at a university, and specifically, I teach people becoming teachers. I have been in that role since 2012 and have had many fantastic candidates come through my classes. There is one that I can say is one of the best of the best. I watched him teach last year and thought, “this guy is better than most of the career teachers I’ve seen.” The school he was placed at tried to figure out how to hire him even though he still had a year left to finish his degree. And this person is not only a gifted teacher, he is a fabulous actor, a wonderful friend, a terrific student, a genuinely good-hearted person. I’m sure he saves puppies and sews booties for new babies on the side. Ok, maybe not that. But he is a truly terrific person through and through.

This past week he came to me and told me he has cancer. He is an otherwise healthy, twenty-eight year old. He doesn’t smoke, barely drinks, stays active, and takes good care of himself. Cancer.

I don’t need to tell you that this kind of thing happens without rhyme or reason and simply isn’t fair.

I don’t need to tell you that in the absence of believing in some higher power with some master plan, we have to boldly and bravely look at the chaos of the universe and accept our place in it.

And I’m sure I don’t need to tell you, for we’ve all heard many times, that stories like this are a reminder to be grateful for what we have, and it’s our job to remember that nothing in life is promised to us. We are lucky if we are healthy. We are lucky if we get to live out our lives until old age.

So this message isn’t that. I do think it’s a good reminder to practice gratitude. But, for a moment, let’s just stick with the unfairness of it all. Because that’s where I’m stuck just right now and sometimes we have to just sit with it. I know that the “right” answer is to focus on the positive. But right now I want to focus on the pain of it. I am trying to really feel things lately, not simply reason or explain or distract myself away from them.

I am sad for him and his loved ones. I am sad for all those who suffer needlessly and senselessly. I am a little shaken by how unfair things really are. And I’m angry — why? Directed at whom? There’s no reason or purpose to it. Sometimes we just feel angry.

As Secular Humanistic Jews we tend to move towards the rational. Obviously I think this is a good thing. Lots of people have called our movement “Rational Judaism.” I’m a fan of using our brains, accepting science, figuring through problems, and evaluating our world through empirical data. I’m pro-reason. And (not but, and) sometimes it is reasonable to be unreasonable. Sometimes we just have to get through tough feelings and emotions, and sit with them, and accept that, sure, the world is made of chaos, and cancer doesn’t discriminate, and someone is going to get it so why not him... we can use our brains all we want but the feelings are still there and still matter.

I don’t call what we do and who we are “Rational Judaism” because, to me, being rational isn’t the point or purpose. I connect to Judaism to fulfill my spiritual and emotional needs. I have a university to foster the rational stuff. The rational has to do with how we access Judaism — we want it to be human-centred and earth-centred, based in a knowable reality. We don’t want our Judaism to conflict with what we know from science, archaeology, or other empirical data. So we work to create a Judaism that thrives without the supernatural. But we can’t stop at what we *don’t* believe. We have to move to what we do believe: Jewish culture adds meaning, depth, and beauty to our lives, community empowers us, our purpose is in doing good. The rationality isn’t the purpose. The emotional/spiritual is the purpose and we just don’t want the obstacles to rationality to get in the way.

This is my invitation to all of us to allow ourselves to hang out in the realm of the emotional a little bit more. Let’s give ourselves permission to really feel our feelings.

I won’t stay mad/sad at this situation forever. I know I will eventually move on to a place of acceptance and hope.

I have every confidence that this student of mine will be fine; he has good care and a good prognosis. I know for sure that my amazing colleagues are already doing all we can to make sure he is cared for and supported. There is lots of reason for hope. I understand that all of this will ultimately make me reflect with gratitude on my own health and the health of my loved ones. For now, though, I get to feel what I feel. It takes practice but it’s the only way to fully experience this crazy ride called being alive. And now, especially now, I want to really experience it.

Peak Tikkun Olam?!

Last week in the Canadian Jewish News there was a provocative little piece called "Have We Reached Peak Tikun Olam?" You can read the piece here: https://www.cjnews.com/living-jewish/have-we-reached-peak-tikun-olam 

Here's what I wrote in response:

Csillag's article asks the right questions but comes up with the wrong answers. The piece is getting at a divide that is growing in Jewish communities and Jewish life; a divide that raises questions about the "what" and "why" of Judaism. In my congregation, we centre our services, programming, and activities around Tikun Olam. We are, in our identities and practices, the types of people Csillag is calling out: we have no interest in "mitzvah" as commandment, but are very motivated and concerned by and with "mitzvah" as good deed. For us, Jewish ethics, learning, text, practice, are all in the service of creating goodness in our lives and in the world. Yes, this perspective represents a shift in Judaism. Many Jews in the non-Orthodox world need a reason other than "because Judaism says so" to engage and practice. The choice is that we find this reason -- for many of us it is, indeed, Tikun Olam -- or we accept that these Jews will leave Judaism behind. I prefer the former, not only because it keeps Jews Jewish but, more importantly, because of the collective impact we can have when we do let our Judaism inspire us to Tikun Olam. Judaism has survived because it has evolved; our task is to find the Torah that is right for our day. That's what the "Tikun Olam Jews" are doing. We are not at peak Tikun Olam. In fact, we are just getting started.

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Secular Synagogue. an online community launching this fall, aims to reach these people and help them integrate spirituality into their lives on a regular basis by bringing spiritual and cultural lessons into homes instead of requiring people to go out to congregations.

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